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Just What the Doctor Ordered

"Now let me get this straight-you parried one blow with your shield, one with your sword, and the other with your head?"
  * Dr. Buen-Scheuk to a patient
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"Well, I realize it must be uncomfortable, but think how much worse it would be if the round had detonated."\\
"Don't think of it as dying. Of course, that's what it is, but try not to think about it."\\
"If you want compassion, there is an extra charge."\\
"If you listen to your body, you will find that it's not pain, it's only extreme discomfort."\\
"It's never a good idea to increase your surface area to volume ratio."\\
"Just another tragic case of terminal kinetic energy poisoning."\\
"Would you like to donate the blood you have left? It doesn't seem to be doing you any good."\\
"It's good that you lost your sight. Otherwise you'd see how awful your other injuries are."\\
"Two out of three is bad."
  * Dr. Buen-Scheuk
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"And now, students, I will demonstrate my new breakthrough in anaesthesia. Nurse, hand me my garrote."
  * Professor Doctor Oscar Schneiderbunk, M.D.
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"Why did you beep me? This man is dead. Even I can't help him now."
  * Dr. Oscar Schneiderbunk, arriving late for surgery
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"All my work is guaranteed for life, or you get your money back."\\
"Don't think of it as losing a leg. Think of it as eliminating the risk of tripping over your own two feet."\\
"Don't worry, this won't hurt any worse than it did when the bomb exploded."\\
"Don't worry, this won't hurt any worse than it did when you first got shot."\\
"Don't worry, this won't hurt any worse than it did when you first got stomped."\\
"First, let's separate the cases into those who have insurance, and those who don't."\\
"Hand me my blowtorch. I must sterilize the wound."\\
"Hand me my crowbar. I must pry out the bullet."\\
"Hand me my grenade. Pre-Op is getting crowded."\\
"Hand me my mallet, I must anesthetize him."\\
"Hand me my mallet. I must tenderize the area before making the first incision."\\
"Hand me my mallet. The swelling will stop the bleeding."\\
"Hand me my melon baller. This man is full of shrapnel."\\
"Hand me my soldering iron. I am ready to close."\\
"Hand me my staple gun. This bandage is loose."\\
"Hand me the drain cleaner; this man's arteries are blocked."\\
"He died prematurely and tragically. I hadn't been paid yet."\\
"How can he be dead? I haven't operated on him yet."\\
"I don't care how you feel. Let's just remember who the doctor is here."\\
"I must be doing something right. Not everyone here is dead."\\
"If I were a good physician, do you think I'd be working in this dump?"\\
"If it didn't hurt, how would you know I was doing my job?"\\
"In my career, I've learned to live with death. And now, private, so will you. Except for the 'live' part."\\
"Listen, if you don't stop bleeding, I'll never get back to my dinner."\\
"Most people would say this man is half dead. But I am a doctor. And I like to think of him as half alive."\\
"Multiple gunshot wounds. Numerous shell fragments. A deep bayonet wound. Let's call it Natural Causes."\\
"Nurse, we're out of the 'Condolences to the Next of Kin' stationery. Order another ten gross."\\
"Oh, stop your whining. You've got another leg."\\
"One more word out of you and I'll perform another unnecessary surgery."\\
"Relax. If, by some miracle you survive this procedure, you'll be fine."\\
"Settle down or I'll sew your earlobes to the bed."\\
"So he's dead. Is that any reason not to operate on him?"\\
"Sterilization is higly overrated. I washed my hands before lunch - what more do you want?"\\
"Tell the patients to stay calm. There are plenty of body bags for everyone."\\
"The bad news is that you're going to die. The good news is that the pain is going to become so intense that it will knock you out in a couple of hours, so by the time you die your suffering will be over."\\
"The patient's thoughts are disjointed. But so is his body."\\
"This operation seems to have become an autopsy."\\
"Try not to bleed so much in the waiting room. It's uncomfortable for the ones who might survive."\\
"We need more surgeons. You there, with the two arms, grab a scalpel and get to work."\\
"Well, I put him back together, but I seem to have a few pieces left over."\\
"Well, I say you're dead. So settle down and take it like a man."\\
"What are the chances that I could lose 49 patients in the same day? Let's find out, shall we? Next!"\\
"What do you expect me to do with him? He's got more holes than a golf course."\\
"Why would you want a second opinion? Don't you trust me?"\\
"Yes, you have lost a lot of blood, but with all of the pieces you're missing, you shouldn't need as much."\\
"You were right, nurse, I did already operate on him. Guess I should close him up again."
  * Dr. Oscar Schneiderbunk, Visser M.D.
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"Well, he looks dead to me. I don't care if he does have a pulse."
  * Dr. Oscar Schneiderbunk, Visser M.D. and Coroner
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"With all of the wood I've taken out of you, I'll be able to build a new rec room."\\
"Of course, since you've donated most of the material, you can visit anytime."\\
"Of course, that hinges on the assumption that you pull through."\\
"You have so many wood fragments in you that I'm not going to remove them. I'll just sand you down."\\
"In fact, you don't even need surgery. You need to be varnished."
  * Dr. Ezra Millstone
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"My cognition is not impaired. Only my inhibitions against violence have been crippled."\\
"I'm not crazy, just furious."\\
"I'm the only psychiatrist on my block with a sub-machinegun."
  * Dr. Henry Finston, Daily Log
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"If you will just talk to me, I know I can help you. But if you keep making this difficult, I'll blow your head off."
  * Dr. Henry Finston